My thoughts

It was my birthday two days ago. Of course, no one knew except my godfather and mother because I kept it the secret. I did not know why I rather feel uncomfortable in telling everyone about my birthday. My godfather was the first person to wish me happy birthday. Naturally, I was not surprised as my godmother (That is my godfather's wife.) was also having the birthday on the same day as mine. Lastly, my mother bought the cake and gave me the red packet of money. Although she was nice and gave me those things, I was not really happy because I saw how big our gap is. Our gap is so big that I cannot be sure when it will close. She did not know that I did not like the chocolate cake but rather dark chocolate one. For my father, of course, he did not know because we never celebrate our occassions at home. Not even one since my birth.

What went wrong with my family? If my parents had not fought over the matter of money, would I be here? If my grandparents had been wise and did not object against my aunt, my aunt would never suffer mental illness. By then, would I be happy child now? I wish that the Lord would be here and talk to me as my friend and brother because I was not well trained in my speech. No one except the Lord understands me. Although I started talking to my mother now, I felt that she did not understand me completely like my father.

A short reflection

After the unexpected and short conversation with my classmate, I realized that I did not go to the church often. Much less. I also saw that I was much obessed in the earthly values than the heavenly values. I was very concerned about how people treated me instead of worrying about my relationship with God. My family kept on worrying and disturbing me even after my grandmother's death. I wish I could move out and stay somewhere where I can spend more time with God. But unfortunately, I do not have any financial support. I also noticed how my relationship with others are getting worse and worse. I'm sad and disappointed at my family's situation as they still do not believe in Catholicism. I wish that I will meet the neighbour who lives near my home and share the same faith soon.

Rest in peace

I was working when I received the SMS from my mother last Sunday. It read that my grandmother just passed away. I was struck with the sorrow. So I attended her funeral wake last Wednesday and Thursday to honor her. Although I was feeling a bit uncomfortable as they performed the chinese ritual, I did my best to follow the instruction as required in the process. However, I found myself seeing Lord Jesus most of time. Yes, I was praying to Him for my grandmother. So I was not affected by the grief but was filled with hope that my grandmother may be pardoned and going to the heaven where she can see Him. I'm determined to work harder now. I certainly hope that my family will convert to Catohlism one day.

Unconditioned love

When my mother told me that my grandmother was in the hospital as she did not feel well and even was on the verge of the death, my heart was struck with the grief. I was fighting against the tears in my eyes. It is something I cannot explain of. I do not have strong relationship with my grandmother as we never talk to each other although we had chatted very little due to our language barrier. Yet when I stepped into the ward room, my tears started to flow uncontrollably. When my eyes met her eyes, I saw the tears in her eyes. I tried to speak but I could not. So I could only hold her hand as if it was my treasure. I wish I knew the Chinese language right now.

What a busy life!

Whoosshh! Finally, I have the chance to write down the blog. I'm not feeling excited about the study trip to Kukup in Malaysia at all. But at least I can draw and paint some pictures over there! Hoepfully, I will be very productive and hardworking. *laugh* But what is annoying me is the people's attitude towards me. Usually, they were so friendly to me. But now, they act as if they have something against me. I guess now, their true colours are revealed. Well, I can forgive them but I will not talk to them again. Let's say I want to have neutral relationship after the hostile one. I know it's very negative and different from Lord Jesus' commandment, "Love your enemy as thy neighbour." But there is nothing I can do since I'm unable to speak and very prone to misunderstandings. Maybe I should ignore them whenever I meet them as if I do not know them.

What I'm worried is my relationship with God. Not the homeworks. I have not even prayed for long time. Hopefully, I can slow down and mediate to regain my praying strength in Kukup. Next week, I'll be renting the room near the school. Hopefully, it will work out well for me. Yes, i'm still continuing to work the part time job.

The storm is lifting.

I was having the busy life. That means I had to get my mother to fetch me to school although we are still not on good term. I admit that I played too much as the games on the Internet are very addictive. I can't help but get myself updated and played them. Perhaps I should stop and spend more time on the gym. I have not been very productive recently. I even missed the school on few days. I guess those games make me lazy. Mm.. I will try to eliminate the games from my schedule so that I can have more time on arts and the church. Moreover, I'm returning to my former part time job. I guess it would not hurt to work while juggling the school and gym. I hope my plan for renting the room near the school, would improve my performance and spirituality. I have to do it because my family are against me and I have to stand on my own feet. I do not care whether my parents would object to my plans because we do not share the same thought. It is not really easy to communicate with them as we have language barrier. I wonder if it is God's plans. Perhaps I will ask Him this weekend. Now, the stress of the works seems to be lifting. That means I can hit the gym with the full force! I'm having the study trip to Kukup next week. Hopefully, it will turn out good as I can have new explorations over there.

Should I relax?

A classmate had lost her mind and made a scene in the school. I heard that she has some serious problems which I do not know. Perhaps she was under the heavy pressure. But there is nothing I can help but to pray for her. I'm worrying about another friend who seems to be troubled by some problems over a long period of time. From those situations, my instinct is telling me that I should relax as I do feel the intense pressure of the school and life this time. But I have been training for the competitions. And I would be fine as the Lord is with me all the time.