What is love?

The images of this girl who has been my good friend kept flashing in my head. My instinct keeps telling me that I'm having the feelings for her. How could it be? She has already her steady love. It is really complicated. There is no way that I would fall for the local girl. I just want to have the good relationship with her as if we are siblings. However, it reminded me of my former friend whom I forced myself to forget long time ago. We first started off as the acquaintances. Then, friends. Next, classmates. Our bonds were so strong that we would kept chatting with each other about everything often. We were so close that our homeroom teacher sometimes commented that we would give same response at same time and even shared the same thoughts. Then the seed of love was planted in our relationship without our knowledge. I recalled telling her first that I liked her after she wore the new glasses and I found her pretty. But I did not have strong feeling for her as I was still seeing her as my best friend. However, I found another girl (Let's call her B) whom I fell in love with at the first sight. So I first confessed to B that I liked her very much. After some times, we finally got into the serious relationship. However, we were unable to get close to each other as we were too young and had limited freedom except we could only chat or write letter to each other. Then, I later found out that my good friend fell in love with me according to our mutual friend (I was not sure whether it was true because I didn't see any clue from her and she refused to tell me.) Well, I did trying to clarify with her but I did not get much information. Otherwise, we would be a couple by now! Later, misunderstanding came and shook our relationship and we no longer became best friends. Sooner, I chose to end the relationship with B because I didn't have confidence in it as sometimes, when I tried to get closer with her, she would avoid me like the plague.

Some years later, I received the SMS out of blue. It was the acquaintance of mine who was the close friend of my former friend (Let's call A.) She said that A wanted to patch up with me because of God. She was too afraid to approach me for forgiveness because I might be fierce to her. It was really stupid move because I felt that she was not sincere. But I let it go because I thought it might be good to regain the old best friend and I was starting to forgive others who had hurt me before. I tried to chat with her like the old times but our conversation would cut short as she kept saying, "I have nothing to say." What is the meaning of it? I could not see any sincerely approach from her. So I decided to walk out of our so called relationship since she took it lightly. It was indeed fortunate of me not to have any courtship with her as she was indecisive herself and too materialistic.

I'm not sure whether I'm ready for the serious relationship although I have the urge to have one. I just want to have the only one who will accompany me in my lifetime. No long string of ex-girlfriends for me. Hopefully, I'm having no more illusion of my current good friend from now onwards.

Facing the Giants

After watching the "Facing the Giants", I found myself grasping the feeling of inspiration. It was indeed breath taking and exciting. I was made to reflect what I had done in the past and I was determined to go back to the holy life I used to practise before. I hope that I can survive the back-breaking period of the assessments with God's help. Then, afterwards, I'll make sure that I keep walking on the narrow path.

Mental illness

I have been living with my family since the young age. There is my aunt sharing the same house with us. Yes, she's been unemployed for ages. We tried to get her the job so that she will not be a burden to us. But she did not want to work. Instead, she depended on my father. It is noted that she has the mental illness. She got this illness when my grandfather locked her up after she tried to get into the boy-girl relationship at young age. That is what I heard from my mother. She has three siblings including my father if i'm correct. Although my father has the kind heart to take in (His other siblings refused to take her in as she is lazy.), he should spare a thought for me. Would I be in the danger when I am alone with my aunt and her illness acts up? Although she did not harm me till today, there are times she scared me out of my life. Yesterday, she behaved strange. When I met her after I came out of my room, she looked weird. That was when I became frightened and returned to my room immediately. After I locked the door, she kept banging the door. That was not one time but three times. I did not know why she wanted to come to my room. It happened in the past too.

I am really very disappointed when we have no choice because I want to do well in the studies. There is no way that I can study better in my room (In the past, I was living in the master bedroom with my mother.) Yes, people did laughing at me for sharing the bedroom with my mother. I wish I could explain it to my teachers. But I don't trust them at all. Please pardon me for pouring out my anger in this writing post.

New lesson in the relationship

From her conversation, I know that she was not taking my words seriously but even treated it as the jokes. It was not first time yet I failed to notice it. Even the same for the Kukup trip. She did not believe me when I told her that she was having the seizure until she visited the doctors. I should not talk to her much because she was very lazy. That is why she gave the excuses that she could not do the hard works. I wonder whether it is the good choice to work with her in the new studio. I doubt that she can survive the job despites she claimed that she understands how difficult it would be. But at least I understand how important Christ is to me. I'll NEVER let go of my relationship with God when I start to go back and practise the holy life next month.

Happy Easter Day

Lord Jesus was resurrected three days later after his crucifixion. It showed that God has the powers over the death. So Christ is definitely our hope and answer. So I'll go back to my former activities where I used to go to the church daily. Now, I realize that I do not need to be perfect in the school and life but rather perfect in the faith and love towards God. Perhaps it was a mistake to take three electives in the school. But at least it makes me realize how important the Christ is to me. So from next month onwards, I'll be spending more time in Christ so that I can prepare myself better for the missions when I turn out to be the adult next year. Not forgetting, I'll put more efforts in the gym as I choose the sport and arts to be my careers.

Good Friday

It was in the afternoon when my mother drove me to the church. I was attending the Stations of the Cross and the afterwards mass alone. I admit that I was having difficulties in absorbing God's words in my heart because the man who was in front of me, seemed to be restless as he kept swaying himself, distracting my attention. He seemed to be unaware of me as he kept swaying towards me. He bumped into me sometimes. At least ten times as I recalled. There was a lot of space in front of him whereas there was little space between us. Another reason is that I did not pray a lot for long time till today. The school works took away a lot of time in my schedule. If my school had put in the Fine Arts in the cross disciplinary registration, I would never be in difficult position by now. But in my second thought, perhaps it was a good choice because I'm experiencing how Jesus felt when he was carrying his cross to the Calvary. Hopefully, I can find Him during this period.

My thoughts

It was my birthday two days ago. Of course, no one knew except my godfather and mother because I kept it the secret. I did not know why I rather feel uncomfortable in telling everyone about my birthday. My godfather was the first person to wish me happy birthday. Naturally, I was not surprised as my godmother (That is my godfather's wife.) was also having the birthday on the same day as mine. Lastly, my mother bought the cake and gave me the red packet of money. Although she was nice and gave me those things, I was not really happy because I saw how big our gap is. Our gap is so big that I cannot be sure when it will close. She did not know that I did not like the chocolate cake but rather dark chocolate one. For my father, of course, he did not know because we never celebrate our occassions at home. Not even one since my birth.

What went wrong with my family? If my parents had not fought over the matter of money, would I be here? If my grandparents had been wise and did not object against my aunt, my aunt would never suffer mental illness. By then, would I be happy child now? I wish that the Lord would be here and talk to me as my friend and brother because I was not well trained in my speech. No one except the Lord understands me. Although I started talking to my mother now, I felt that she did not understand me completely like my father.

A short reflection

After the unexpected and short conversation with my classmate, I realized that I did not go to the church often. Much less. I also saw that I was much obessed in the earthly values than the heavenly values. I was very concerned about how people treated me instead of worrying about my relationship with God. My family kept on worrying and disturbing me even after my grandmother's death. I wish I could move out and stay somewhere where I can spend more time with God. But unfortunately, I do not have any financial support. I also noticed how my relationship with others are getting worse and worse. I'm sad and disappointed at my family's situation as they still do not believe in Catholicism. I wish that I will meet the neighbour who lives near my home and share the same faith soon.