I cannot make it clear for my feeling I'm having now. It's kind of mixed emotions of joy, sorrow and anger. Some time, I had been happy. At the same time, I was in a rage. I tried to be happy all the time but the family problems had been fueling my anger. Just now, I was trying to relax and about to put myself to rest but suddenly, the thought of what my parents did to me, flashed in my mind. As the result, I could not sleep well as I was so furious. It was not first time.
If my parents had been so supportive, I would not be in the bad state (having nightmares and facing high pressure) and might even do better in school and sports. You see, they are always disapproved me of what I did because they are so pessimistic about me since I'm deaf and cannot speak well. And if there was no aunt staying in our place, perhaps we could do better and my parents would be on good terms. Honestly, she is suffering the mental illness. I mean she's somewhat mad. I understand her state but she has been idling at home like the lazy bum for long time. The attempts of getting her to hold the job had been failed. What I cannot stand is the lack of our communication. There is the barrier of the language that affects our communication. You see, I speak English whereas they speak Chinese. If I were to learn Chinese from primary or secondary school, I would talk to my parents better. But I think that it does not work since they are very stubborn in nature and do not trust my knowledge and judgement. It was the most heaviest burden I had been carrying all those years. I felt that they gave me either too much care or lack of concern because they did not encourage me to make friends outside. Not even the neighbours. They are really full of judgement because they always think that the friends I make are not reliable and from the bad backgrounds. There are many more words I want to write about my family. Thousands of them... Millions of them... But none of them can relieve my pain and nightmares. I wonder whether I should stay with them in the future. I often thought that staying away from them is the best opinion for me since I've been so uncomfortable with my parents. In the past, I often had been quarrelling with them. I knew it was wrong of me but I really could not stand them. Many people told me that I'm blessed with good fortune. But I don't think that it's true because I'm struggling with this problem since I was a child!
Let's talk about happy things as my heart is hurting very much. Last Saturday, I was meeting Kelvin Goh in Paya Lebar after attending the evening mass in the church. He was funny because his pronunciation was poor and he was a bit blur and clumsy. When he was trying to say "Geylang", I thought he was referring to "Glen". Haha... I really heard him saying, "Glen". And also for " Paya Lebar", he said," Purple Lebe" Funny, right? No wonder Mr Khiew asked why he was "blur king". Before we went to Geylang, we went to the bookstore in the Singapore Post Office as I wanted to buy the latest book, Singapore True Ghost Stories volume 16. Then we had dinner in Geylang. After the dinner, we began chatting. I was recommending the business and some home products to him. I saw his impression was good on that business. I hoped that he would join it in the future as he said that he would think about it. Then, he showed me the card. It was about the prayer. He was praying for my desires in life. Lord, hear our prayer. In Jesus' name. Amen. Afterwards, we went on the separate ways.
Last Sunday, I was attending the RCIY parent meeting with my godfather in the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Succour. Even though I did not visit the Church of the Risen Christ for long time, he did not feel angry or scolded me. Instead, he gave me an useful advice. He said that I must always do all the promises I made. Otherwise, people would not trust me. I knew this advice all along because one boy had always been breaking his promises. Same way for my parents. Though I failed to keep the promises for attending the church with my godfather, I really did not have the choice. I was so depressed lately. I even failed to turn up for the trainings. For the meeting, they were talking about the purpose of RCIY and the baptism. I was so delighted to be going to be baptised by 24th November. I really can't wait to be one of the children of God. God is really good all the time! (^_^)
Cheers!~
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