Discipline

Wow... I have thought of extreme discipline like pushing myself hard in the training. But not like this military discipline.

Perhaps it is the result of spending a long time in the adoration room the day before. I think I learnt a lesson today. It is very old one. I have encountered it many times. Yet I never learnt how to deal it seriously. It is laziness. Yes, I have learnt how to discipline myself. But I sometimes find myself in the path of sloth. I have met many lazy people too. But it is bizarre and mystifying as I found myself more diligent outside than at my home. Suddenly, I remembered that I worked hard in serving others like church commitments. I recognise this gift of mine in serving when I took the spiritual gift test the other times. Perhaps the problems lie in myself and alluring entertainment in my laptop. On my perspective, the less I pray, the more I find myself tempted to play, play, play. Some people are lucky as they have works to occupy their attention while I face the boredom everyday. Well, I guess that I have to discipline myself more in the prayer. It shall be my tactic to fight off the laziness! I hope it works! It is time for me to go out and draw.

"The soul of the lazy person has strong desires but gets nothing, but the soul of the one who does his best gets more than needs." (Proverbs 13:4)

"This is what I have seen to be good and right: to eat and to drink and be happy in all the work one does under the sun during the few years of his life which God has given him. For this is his pay. As for every man to whom God has given riches and many good things, He has also given him the power to eat from them, receive his pay and be happy in his work. This is the gift of God." (Ecclesiastes 5:18-19)

"Consider the shortness of time, the length of eternity, and reflect how everything here below comes to an end and passes by. Of what use is it to lean upon that which cannot give support?" - St Gerard Majella

Experience of Ordination Mass

Four days ago, it was in the afternoon when I met the deaf community at the usual place. I could remember that it was a good weather on the day. We set off a journey to Malaysia. It was really a good experience. Perhaps it was because a van provided a comfortable and cool journey. As soon as we reached the country, the nostalgia feeling returned and stirred up the excitement in my heart. As we reached there unexpectedly early, we decided to stop by and settle down nearby for a while. In the evening, we headed to a destination - the Catholic church. It was my first time over there. Although it did not look anything special, I felt something I could not describe. Unexpectedly, I bumped into an acquaintance I had not seen for a while. Yes, I was really surprised to see him.

Anyway, my group exchanged the greeting with another deaf community from Malaysia. They knew each other well. Anyway, my heart delighted with joy because we had more people by then. As soon as the mass started, my curiosity increased and my heart was pumping up the adrenaline. I caught the glimpse of three new ordained priests. The deaf communities knew one of them. I could not wait to meet him. During the mass, there was suddenly a blackout. The darkness totally silenced us. But I knew the mass still continued as I could hear faintly weak sounds. Fortunately, there were lighting backups. As soon as the cup of wine placed on the altar table after offering, the lights suddenly returned and brightened the whole church. The fans began working hard to cool the warm atmosphere. After mass, the deaf communities were talking about the electrical circuit event. Suddenly, it hit on me. God is God of darkness and silence. Perhaps He wanted the whole church to have total reverence for Himself because there was a bunch of photographers kept flashing their cameras.

"Be still and know I am God." (Proverbs 46:10)

There was some priests I found familiar. Perhaps they were the ones I saw in my hometown. Adding to my surprise, I met another acquaintance. Eventually, I met the new priest known by the deaf communities. Afterwards, I was going back to home with my group. The excitement and fatigue exhausted my time for the reflection. I pinned my hope and trust in God.

Little Superman

I am having another sleepless night. I had lost the count. It is supposed to be time for the serious action but I am still unemployed for days. Only God knows when I can start working.

Anyway, it was four days ago when I was having the normal yet pleasant dream. I recalled finding myself in the restaurant and having a meal with a group of strangers, including my friend. Then, I went out and saw a line of shops. For some reasons, I stopped in my track and retreated back to where I was beforehand. Anyhow, I wandered aimlessly and eventually arrived at the aquarium shop. My eyes were focusing on the two tanks close to each other. On the left side, it was goldfish with black and white spots. On the other hand, it looked like normal goldfish. But they seemed to be huge in size. Then, I found myself entering into the shop and saw a light brown kitten. It looked stiffed yet relaxed as if it was sleeping. The shadows were dancing at the corner of my eyes. I felt tempted and obliged to look at the left side. There was a kid feeding another kitten. My focus fixed on that kitten as it was chewing on the cookie. It really looked cute. Then, I moved on till I saw a toddler. He was walking towards the tanks and looked as if he was attempting to touch the water. It seemed that my reflexes controlled me to reach out and stop him. Despite his featherlight weight according to his small size, I felt that he was so heavy and strong. I found that I was underestimating his size and felt strange. As my hands gently grabbed his hands, he turned around to face me. I could not tell whether he was surprised or curious. But suddenly, he became furious and bashed the nearby wall. I could feel his power at the moment he hit the wall. I tried to carry him but he was able to resist me with his enormous strength. That is all I can remember.

Patience

Christian brothers, be willing to wait for the Lord to come again. Learn from the farmer. He waits for the good fruit of the earth until the early and late rains come. You must be willing to wait also. Be strong in your hearts because the Lord is coming again soon. (James 5:7-8)

You must be willing to wait without giving up. After you have done what God wants you to do, God will give you what He promised you. (Hebrews 10:36)

Do not let yourselves get tired of doing good. If we do not give up, we will get what is coming to us at right time. (Galatians 6:9)

"When we come to the sign of the Lord in the sacrament of baptism we are freed of these chains and liberated by the blood of Christ and by His name. Therefore, beloved, we are washed clean but once; we are freed only once; we are received into the immortal kingdom once and for all. Once and for all are they happy whose sins are forgiven and whose stains are blotted out. Hold fast to what you have received; preserve it joyfully; sin no more. Keep yourselves as children cleansed by that sacrament and made spotless for the day of the Lord." - Saint Pacian

A sunny day

It was my favourite weather today - sunny day. Despite the oven-like heat, I enjoyed the sensation in my skin with much delight as the sun rays pierced through my bare skin. After morning mass, I had a lunch with my church gang at the cafe which was new to me. This time, I was treating myself well as I feasted on luxurious meal. Afterwards, I headed towards home to have a quick shower before I made a move to the east side where it was well known for its longest park. I had so much fun in the adventure as we went to hunt for the treasure. I really considered going on the adventure in the foreign country. In the soft evening, we had the barbecue. I believed that I had eaten a lot of meat as if I were the hungry meat monster. In the night, while the whole group was focusing on the new game they played, I found myself retreating to the beach nearby. As I relaxed before the waves of the sea, I found myself in the state of meditation and deep thoughts. The sight of sea inspired me to reflect on what God wanted to tell me. My mind replayed the story of Jesus walking on water and calming the storm. So my problems were like the raging waves of the sea and storm. But if I relied on Jesus, I would not have my problems "calmed" but instead I received the strength and courage from the faith to walk on the raging sea and through the storm. If I do not have faith, I will sink into the sea easily like Peter who became afraid and began to sink when he was going towards Jesus on water. By the time I find Jesus, He will calm the sea and storm. This was what my own thoughts implied. Anyway, I want to thank God for what He had planned for me today. Hallelujah!

"Nothing restrains anger, curbs pride, heals the wound of malice, bridles self-indulgence, quenches the passions, checks avarice and puts unclean thoughts to flight, as does the name of Jesus." - St Bernard

Jesus' Answer

As usual weekly routine, I attended the Novena service with a deaf community in the famous church the day before. Unexpected, I found myself praying to Virgin Mary and Saint Joseph. This time, my prayer was intense which I suspected my temperature of spirituality was rising sharply. I wished that this temperature would keep rising forever as if there was not limit restriction. Anyway, I had a good time with the deaf community in the food court nearby. I enjoyed that time to the large extend as we shared the stories and jokes. It had been a while since my last enjoyable laugh. In the soft evening, we got separated before I headed towards my parish church for youth ministry group's weekly activity. I put myself in the state of meditation in the adoration room as soon as I reached there. Suddenly, my mind pictured a bright yellow light in my mind's eyes. This phenomenon had been going on for long time. Maybe a few months. But this time, I noticed it for first time. Strangely, I felt something I could not describe. After half an hour, I made a move to another room where I met youth ministry group. After prayer session, my church friends told me that I needed to be patient and waited for God to heal me. I did not feel anxious nor saddened. Rather, I was feeling calmness in my heart but overjoyed because I sensed that it was Jesus who told me to be patient. Even now, my heart is dancing with joy as I think about it. Hallelujah!
"He who praises, prays twice." - St Augustine

Far distance interview

In the morning, I found myself in the rare occasion, wearing formal clothes all over and the shiny polish office shoes as well. It was for neither a wedding nor a date. Rather, I was going to have interview in a well known company which was in the far distance from my home. At the same time, I figured out what kind of feelings I was harbouring in my heart. I expected the tingling excitement but it was not there. Perhaps it was nervousness as I was breathing heavily. Or the accumulating pressure of stress as my mum was nagging all the way in the car. Still, I enjoyed the sights of environment as we passed by. Anyway, the interview went smoothly but there seemed to be some problems. I assumed that they were discussing about them today. But I was still pinning hope on God for He knows everything. Afterwards, I sent my hearing aid for repairs and bought a new spectacles.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:5)

My first weapon

With bloated stomach stuffed with extremely heavy meal and seductively sweet desert, I arrived home at the stroke of midnight. But my heart was contemplating the new items I recently bought. One was a door gym bar for performing chin ups or pull ups. Another one was a wooden sword imitating samurai sword. It was for neither destruction nor decoration. Rather, I wanted to learn martial arts, Kendo and Aikido as a serious desire for increased strength and fitness. Perhaps it was more than practising sword fighting like the samurai in the movies and video games. So I shall declare it as my first sword.

"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword." (Matthew 10:34 NIV)

Unity

The night before, the topic was discussing on the meaning of the unity and disunity during the youth activity in the church. While they were sharing their retrospects, I found myself enthralled intently by my deep thoughts about my family because my family are still in disarray due to the past irrational conflicts. I wished that I would not be confined and affected by their delusions when I was young. But I reaffirm that I believe that they will come to understand the love, truth and joy of God in their hearts one day.
I excused myself and headed for home while my church friends were going to catch the world cup match in one friend's home. As my habit, I had a meal, watched television and played online games on my laptop at the same time. The television displayed the midnight Chinese movie, Money Not Enough 2. Although I was usually nonchalant at a plot of that movie, this time, I contemplated its whole story. It is about three brothers showing filial piety to their mother during good times. But suddenly, they were plunged into the bad financial situations altogether. During their bad times, they treated their mother callous and frivolous while receiving the financial assistance from her. As the result, the mother was grieved and fell sick, admitting into the hospital twice. This time, she was in the critical condition. Meanwhile, one brother's sister had an accident and was in grave danger. So she needed the blood transplant. The mother seemed to empathise the situation and decided to sacrifice her life in order to give her granddaughter blood transplant.
When I saw her lying on the bed with the tubes all around her face, suddenly it struck my heart hard, forcing the memory replay. In my mind, I saw my late grandmother lying on the bed with the tubes piercing her body. I could recall resisting hard against the tears till they overwhelmed my strength and started flowing down my cheeks as I felt a warm feeling sensation of blood rush on my face. I wished that I could return to the past, learnt Chinese language and spent more time with her. But at least, God is showing me what love is as I understand it now. Love does not need a reason nor a word. I can remember vividly the time when my eyes met her eyes, I saw a tear in her eyes. No word had exchanged.

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop." - St Augustine of Hippo

A visit to the past

The day before, I was visiting my primary school with a new friend of mine, G. She also studied there when she was young but in older school in the West before it was moved to East where we were visiting. It brought back the nostalgia memories. I found my mind took the delightful pleasure in replaying my past as we went past the noisy and restless mass of girls in the school connecting to our school. I really felt the overwhelming energy at the scene of the activity which suggested that they were rehearsing for the significant day. Indeed, it brought a lot of memories. I did not even realize how time flew by. As we took the staircase to second floor, I was hoping to see a certain Catholic nun whom I knew and had not seen for years. Instead, the principal and English lady greeted us warmly at the window of the room where I felt a whim to enter. Suddenly, I recognized that English lady whom I knew yet did not know her name for long time. My heart was filled with a disappointment when my ears received the news that Sister was not available as she was in oversea. Instead, they astounded me with another news that two teachers G and I knew well, were still around. We were so enthralled with the excitement as we met them. They still looked the same after all those years. Yes, we were catching up with the past in our brief conservation. I was looking forward to working with them in the future.

G and I went to the nearby church. It had transformed into the new and different church. I vividly recalled that it was very old and rundown. The feeling was different and the incense scent and beautiful decorations greeted us as we entered. Afterwards, we had great time, catching movie, playing arcade games, window shopping and chatting. I really feel inspired to the great extend as I am writing this post. And my aspiration to faith has improved as well. I hope that this feeling will never end.